Monday, October 2, 2017


 My hands gather egg dampened potato shreds, gently compressing, flipping top to bottom to shape the pancake; like how a nona shapes meatballs, like a tortillera, masa. Calculating and adjusting and at the same time reflexive. I’m mouthing a silent prayer the latkes won’t disintegrate when they hit the shimmering oil—as if I’m not sure the recipe works and a lifetime of experience is naught—as if I were embarking on the unknown. I suppose I am. The image of my mother is fading. I see differently. All is as has been but in new light.
   It is the end of summer and latkes browning scents my house with unsettling holiday cheer. These latkes may well complete my mother’s culinary repertoire excepting for her braised cow tongue with disgusting raisin sauce I cannot bring myself to cook. I’ve spent almost two years cooking her dishes, letting the food lead me to feelings I had hardly dare explore before she died. I wanted the food to paint her portrait, all sunshine with me basking in her warmth, instead I’m standing under clouds, worring about what I’ve passed to my sons. 
   Death lingers in the air. Many of my friends mother’s are dying or have died and we are becoming the old ones. Our mother’s deaths is a topic we comb intently. They get teary. I am dry-eyed and wearying of this cooking and combing. Then along comes something simple—cradling a potato in one hand, the peeler poised in the other. Suddenly I am missing her with my heart, in my mind, my cells. The longing stops time.
   Jews make latkes during Hanukah not for potatoes but for the oil they are fried in. Here is the story--at the time of the rededication of the desecrated temple, after defeating idolater oppressors, ancient Maccabean’s found themselves with only a days worth of oil to rekindle the eternal flame. Miraculously the oil lasted eight. Miracles demand faith. What’s fried in memoriam differs around the world. Potatoes were popularized by marauding Conquistadors. Latkes here were brought by my forebears, a tasty treat carried from cold steppes. In my mother’s house latkes were a tradition, the one thing we cooked religiously year after year. Tradition carries weight, or maybe its weightless, like carrying a ghost.
   My mother used an old aluminum box grater. Helping her led to bloodied knuckles and stinging, onion induced tears. She had no recipe, only ratios; potato, onion, egg, a sprinkling of flour, then deft adjustments in the pan; number of latkes to depth of oil to the intensity of flame. Together in the kitchen we shared little talk, it never strayed to her parents or aunties. Her family fled with nothing towards the New World, she was just a baby, no one told her anything, but surely she must have overheard their dreams. Without stories there was only the two of us. I wanted our time to last forever. Only now it occurs to me to wonder what she didn’t tell. Stories are lamps in the dark. Without light it is hard to find my way. 
   Fresh from the pan, drained on torn brown paper to absorb excess oil, topped with apple sauce and sour cream, I eat the latkes out-of-hand, burning fingers and roof of mouth, one after another in rapid succession until uncomfortably full, filling something deeper than hunger, talisman against loss. I dash off emails to cousins. “Do you make latkes, did your mother teach you, did she tell you anything?” “Ah, yes, latkes” they reply. Everyone loves them, yet no one has stories to share, no one seems bothered. Alone I am twisting to peek behind myself, searching for hands at my back. I am lighting a wick, open to miracles, praying there’s oil enough to light my way.

   One of my sons embraced latke making. He’d help twist the potato shreds in a kitchen towel to squeeze out their water. Soon his strength superseded mine and he became sole twister, catching the water in a bowl so the potato starch could sink to the bottom, then the water poured off and the starch retrieved to bind the shreds we’d grated in a food processor. That is the trick of latkes, to bind the shreds without weighing them down. Soon he could form and slip the latkes into boiling oil and flip them, braving blistering splatters and burns. Asked what he remembers it is that each year he became more adept, His competence was praised. Latkes measured time. Only now I realize I’ve kept the recipe to myself, that year after year I proportion the batter for him, as if revealing the recipe I might lose him too.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Wok Hay


     Remarried, my mother closed the door to her room which suit me just fine. Weekends, she and my stepfather drove to their country house leaving me on my own. This distance was good and bad at a time in my life of pushing and pulling. I suffered as teens do, worrying about short legs, hypocrisy and belonging. I combed my hair to hide my pimpled face, leaned forward to show off cleavage in lieu of valid ID, chain-smoked and ordered cocktails in Soho bars. To strains of Patti Smith my friends and I fretted the threat of nuclear annihilation and bemoaned the impossibility of orgasming during intercourse. And then the holidays came and I got a wok. A fabulous carbon steel vessel that occasioned trips to Chinatown for hoisin, fresh ginger and fermented black beans. The whole enterprise independent from dull prying parental eyes or fraught competitive romancing and college applications. 
      In my mother’s kitchen the perimeter of the cutting board was supposed to contain all mess. Implements and mixing bowls were rinsed as soon as they were sullied and swiftly put away. She’d pare and trim vegetables cradled in her palm. She'd mix the vegetables with hefty chunks of meat into a battered aluminum pot to slowly break apart. Inside the pot things reduced and intensified. She simmered, adjusting the flame accordingly. She kept the lid on, barely ajar. 
     With the advent of the wok I learned to make symmetrical cuts. Matchsticks or dices or diagonal slices were strewn across the counter. Seasonings and sauces filled a multitude of bowls. Who knew meat’s grain should be cut against, or that embryonic corn came canned. A teaspoon of water mixed with two of cornstarch thickened sauce to silk. Balanced on a ring above the burner, blue flames licked the bottom of the wok till it was just this side of combustion. Then, diving in rapid succession, the colorful matchsticks cried out a sizzle clinging to their identities but forever changed as they Cha-chaed in the searing madcap tempest inside the open expanse of pan. Wok hay, a Cantonese term loosely meaning ‘the spirit’ or ‘breath’ of the wok infused the food with fire and steel. 
     That September I took the wok when I left for college and rest it wobbling on an electric burner in the dusty dormitory kitchenette down the hall from my room. Late at night as tonic against homesickness, using ingredients snatched from the cafeteria, I’d stir fry rice. 
     During winter-session, jonesing for the fresh vegetables I’d taken for granted at home, I badgered the dining hall chef into letting me make a vegetable dish once a week to add to the steam table line. It was a brave new world entering his kitchen on Mondays at four. The rush of clatter, the dizzying arc of the clamp-on can-opener opening #10 cans of chickpeas to curry in the 28 qt. rondeau. Chef smugly watching, Chef’s gaze burning through the back of my skull as I struggled to heft the unwieldy pan. Subsequent weeks I brought the wok and stir-fried. 
     Spring semester came. Even though I wasn’t supposed to I moved off-campus into an apartment a few blocks from school. In my new kitchen the wok took pride of place and feasts ensued. Multiple dishes dashed in rapid succession for clambering coeds; the choreography of feeding a crowd my dance of independence.

     Arriving to Ellis Island in 1928 my maternal grandparents never learned English. My grandfather dovened with a minion of landsmen in a storefront shtiebel and manufactured menswear on the Lower Eastside. He moved his family from tenement to tenement chasing rent deals. Seven beds crammed in stuffy rooms and for extra cash cousin Marvin on the living room couch. Mom went to Brooklyn College at 15 where she excelled in math but studied education. She was shy and lived at home and took care of her mother who was dying from cancer. 
    I never heard the details of my parents courtship. They’d divorced by the time I began to wonder and then anything my mother said about my father was muttered under breath. When they met, my father was a rabbinical student. He was ambitious, fiery, flirtatious; my mother never understood what he saw in her. The answer is he didn’t see her, only himself in her dark sad eyes. Their marriage lasted 10 years and all that time he carried on. While my mother was pregnant with me he was already chasing the blonde shiksa who became his second wife.

     I graduated in 1979 and spent half dozen years juggling being an artist with day jobs to pay the rent--waiting tables and restoring folk art. Approaching thirty and trying to be responsible I took a professional cooking course, then landed a job in a hospital cooking for a medical diet study. Working with a nutritionist in a kitchen filled with test tubes and gram scales I stumbled upon my husband-to-be, a medicine fellow studying kidneys. Our first date we went to the movies. He sobbed through the film like a baby. We went to Chinatown for dim sum. He used a knife and fork to eat a pork bun because he doesn’t like to touch food. I didn't notice he was filled with rage or that anxiety had him in a chokehold that would tighten with every passing year. We married. We honeymooned in Spain. We visited Paris. We ate at starred restaurants and drank the expensive recommendations of the sommeliers. And without questioning or hesitating, as if preordained, I pushed the wok aside for the slow-cooked braises of Cuisine Bourgeois--in other words, my mother's stews. Our marriage lasted 10 years. All the while I simmered. Inside the pot everything intensified. I kept the lid on, barely ajar.
     A pot is not a harbinger but maybe it is. The way we cook, the way we organize to nourish is a window to the soul. Friends and family remind me how my mother’s eyes twinkled when she smiled. They mention her wry wit and that she listened in such a way as to make them feel special. I got a different legacy. I carry her sadness and darkness. When she is a lump in my throat I rest my hand across my clavicles and think how she pushed beyond a stifling upbringing and left a loveless marriage at a time women were stigmatized by divorce. She was brave, a survivor, but things unfolded that held her down. When she became ill it was a slow unbearable reduction. With lid ajar fleeting wisps of her escaped and dissipated. I stood by her as always. I’d like to believe she willed her death, that it was a last defiant act, but it is also true that when she died there was nothing left.

I wish for her as for myself
Lift the lid. 
Raise the flame till this side of combustion. 
Cha-cha in the tempest.

Fried Rice with Scrambled Eggs
American style fried rice loads on additional ingredients, making a simple Chinese solution for left-over rice into some kind of extravagance. Sometimes in addition to what I’ve mentioned here I’ll add cashews or switch it up with Thai basil, diced pineapple and a dash of fish sauce. Add whatever you have on hand—the sky’s the limit as long as it cooks quickly. The whole enterprise should be quick so that the rice doesn’t turn to mush and the vegetables retain a bite.

2-3 cups cooked rice (I prefer Jasmine)
3 t vegetable oil (divided)
1-2 cups additional vegetables including: scallion, shiitake, snow peas, broccoli, etc.  
3/4 cup diced cooked meat including: pork/ham/Chinese sausage/chicken/beef/shrimp or tofu (optional)
1” knob of ginger 
1 lg. clove garlic 
1 smallish knob fresh turmeric
2 eggs
a handful of finely sliced scallion greens (use the remainder as part of the additional vegetables)
salt, pepper to taste

Cut whatever vegetables you’re using into evenly sized “matchsticks” or small pieces and set aside.  
Peel ginger, garlic and turmeric, thinly slice then stack the slices and cut into fine shreds, set aside. 
Break eggs into a small bowl, mix well, set aside.
Heat wok until very hot. Drizzle 2 t. oil down the sides of the wok. 
Add the vegetables. Stir the vegetables so that the ones on the bottom come up to the top, almost as if you were flipping them. Continue stirring 2 minutes until the vegetables are barely cooked. If you are using a variety of vegetables, stager how you add them to the wok—what needs the most cooking, say small pieces of broccoli, should be added first and what needs the least, say snow pea pods, last. You want the vegetables to retain some crunch. 
Add the ginger, garlic and turmeric. Stir fry 1 minute more. 
Add cooked meat (if using) and stir fry 1 minute more. 
Add the cooked rice, breaking up any lumps with your fingers. Stir fry and additional 1-2 minutes then make a well in the center of the rice. 
Add remaining teaspoon of oil. Pour beaten egg into the well and cook undisturbed for 1 minute. Stir eggs and then gradually stir rice and eggs together. Add salt and pepper to taste. Sprinkle with scallion greens. If you’d like, serve with soy sauce and Sriracha on the side. 

Friday, March 31, 2017

Canard á l’Orange

    Chicken, steak, fish drowned in tartare sauce, interspersed with toaster-oven pizzas or spaghetti and pennies saved. Vegetables followed seasons. There was plenty. Our ups and downs were not about food. Still, the occasional exotic dish felt inexplicable and disgusting. Calves liver, cow’s tongue, and boiled beef. I interpreted these dishes as hostility. I had no idea my mother might seek pleasure in something other than what I thought good.  
     I traveled on my own by subway and bus downtown to junior high, crosstown for after-school art classes and the orthodontist. What was important was the candy bar in my lunchbox or that on Fridays Debbie and I would cut out of school for a burger at a diner where crocks of pickles and table-side jukeboxes graced each booth.Wednesdays after drama at the YMHA Julie and I got Blimpies with extra everything. Week-ends were for sleepovers. I don’t remember the meals at my friends houses or what they ate at mine but I do remember our giggly caresses as we played ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ under the covers during long sleepless nights, drifting off, then waking near noon for French toast and bacon smothered in Log Cabin syrup.
     What changed my world was the Canard á l’Orange from a restaurant called The Library. We'd pass from the familiar lights of Broadway through a forest of hanging fern and navigate the long dark bar to the backroom maze of bookshelves holding real books. Tables were tucked in the nooks and crannies. We went as a treat, sometimes with neighbors, if my mother was tired, or maybe just because.
     How did I love thee? Mahogany, shatteringly crisp skin taught over melting flesh. Sticky sweet glaze and salty fat soiling eager fingers and lips. Gilded, elegant, French; everything my mother was not. She never made duck. With its lousy bone to meat ratio and abundant fat it was not something it would've occurred to her, to us, you could make. 
     It wasn’t till much later, when I’d moved downtown after college that I’d stride with bravado to the butcher shop to ask for duck. At that time ‘New American’ and lite were all the rage and I switched allegiance to barely seared Magret breasts flavored with star anise and peppercorns, or olives, lemon and thyme. I fancied myself a connoisseur, but ducks migrate south only to fly back home. I see now my lavish cooking was no different from my mother’s liver or tongue or pot au feu. She must have had strivings. She must have had her passions, only then I couldn’t see them, it wasn’t my concern. 

    Two days after my mother died I sliced a tomato as she would have and ate it with onion, like her. Next day a tuna sandwich helped me think past her illness. Stirring chocolate pudding expressed what I could not. Grief sparked the memories and the stories followed suit. A dish gets in my head, I cook it and emotions rise. I write them down. Words instead of tears. At first I needed to feel a strong connection so what came to mind were dishes from when she was the center of my universe. But she's been gone a year. Canard á l’Orange marked a separation when I discovered it. It marks one now too. 
     I went out and bought a duck, available as if it were nothing special in a cryovac sack from the local store. The duck and I slow-danced across griefs’ stages; denial, regret, anger, flashes of relief. The thought of dousing it with cloying sauce dispirited. What was it I had liked so much? Why go there now? Taste changes, and memory, and the person remembering, and what we remember isn’t necessarily what it was. I couldn't bring myself to make the dish. The duck sat in my fridge a week till I cut off its legs and stuck them in the freezer and boiled the carcass for broth.
     Later I bought another duck, cut it in half, added one leg to the legs in the freezer, defrosted the old breast, added it to the new breast, scored their skin to quickly sauté, boiled the wingtips and backbone for gravy. The other half, the whole half, I pricked with a knife to release the fat and while it roasted skimmed half dozen recipes for sauce. Fresh squeezed juice and julienned zest simmered with brown sugar or white sugar or honey, sherry vinegar or cider vinegar, Grand Marnier or marmalade. Once the dish was the sexiest I’d ever tasted then it became quaint, now it seems lurid. 
     When my mother was alive I didn't pay attention. Now what I remember are fragments without details, or my focus rests on what wasn't there. Longing comes in waves. I'm not sure what for. Maybe a moment of her voice on the other end of the line.
     At supper the slow roasted half lay by the quickly seared rosy breast, au jus. A piece of history striped bare. Full flavored. Un-sauced.

Sous Vide Duck Confit
3 duck legs
2 t Kosher salt
juice from 1/2 an orange plus strips of zest from same orange
1 t  black peppercorns
1/2 t Sichuan peppercorns
1 small knob fresh turmeric, cut in half
a bay leaf and a sprig of thyme
2 smashed garlic cloves
1 shallot, roughly chopped
2 T rendered duck fat (or substitute butter)

Put the duck legs on a plate and sprinkle with salt
Let sit in the refrigerator overnight, uncovered
Pat legs dry and seal into a heavy duty ziplock bag with the remaining ingredients
Make sure you press the air out of the bag—do this by submerging the bag in a pot of water, keeping the last inch of the zip held out of the water and unsealed until all the air has been pressed out. Be careful not to get water inside the bag
Attach sous vide device to a large water filled pot and set for 76.C 
When it reaches temperature, submerge the sealed bag of legs in the water bath. You might need to weight the bag or jerry-rig something to make sure the bag is submerged (I clip a small metal bowl to the side of the pot to weigh down the bag) 
Cover pot as best you can with foil or plastic wrap to help minimize evaporation
Set timer for 10 hrs. Check water level from time to time.

When done, rapidly chill bag in an iced water bath. When cool enough to handle, pull legs from bag, reserving fat in one bowl and accumulated juices in another. Lay legs on a sheet pan and broil for 5 - 10 minutes until skin crisps and browns. Be cautious of spattering fat. Meanwhile, simmer “jus” with a splash of Grand Marnier or Brandy until slightly thickened and serve with duck. Save fat for other uses.  

Sunday, February 5, 2017

flour, water, salt, yeast

Jasper Johns "Bread" 1969

     After school, week-ends, on summer break I am at the pottery throwing pots, dreaming I’ll apprentice to a stern Japanese master and my life will be set. At home, in my mother’s kitchen with floury hands, palms pushing, lifting, folding, turning, I practice Japanese spiral wedging technique on warm yeasty dough. The repetitive motion burns my burgeoning triceps. I see my arms as I imagine them seen. In doing I am also posing. With each thrust braless nipples graze the inside of my sleeveless tank top. My hips gently rock. Black curls sway.
     Kneading develops wheat’s tightly curled proteins. The proteins lie dormant until hydrated and prodded by floured hands. There is no hurrying the process. In time awakened proteins unfurl and tangle, weaving a lattice that traps the yeast's breath enabling the bread to rise. 
     In my kitchen now a mixer does this labor but when my hands gather the dough I feel that seventeen year old inside me; not time’s passage but the actual girl-me as if we are nesting Russian dolls. My hands shape the dough into a crystal ball. I see widened girth, drooped breasts, greyed hair, and strength the girl didn’t yet know. And I am not sure, do I see my own coming frailty or is that my mother’s deathbed repose forever etched on my brain? I tuck the ball into an oiled bowl and cover it with damp cloth.
     The drying residue of dough turns my hands to artifact. I pick at the flour in the crevice of my nails. The most radical thing that girl-me’s hands had ever held was Bobby; tentative tender hands that softly stroked until he was stiff, swaying, and awesome. My mother had recently remarried. We had new furniture. They bought a weekend cottage get-away and we were so relieved for the space between us. My life was in the city at the pottery and playing house, waking next to Bobby in my parent’s double bed. The potters, ten years my senior came for supper at my parent’s oak table. Thick soup in stoneware bowls, buttered bread, raucous chatter. We’d sip from hand thrown goblets that often tipped. I’d frantically mop the spilled Burgundy least evidence greet my parents on their Sunday night return. 
     When the dough has doubled, punch down, pat flat, roll into a bundle to fit inside the pan.

     To pass time the years I sat with my mother when she could no longer speak I’d inspect our hands side by side; hers yellowed, gnarled, curling in upon themselves, mine marked by callouses and cooking burns, becoming crackled like porcelain glaze. My hands have picked up pieces, settled, held, and released, sometimes with love, sometimes despair. Where was my mother’s guiding hand? If I dig deep enough will I find her embrace? 
     In its given time the yeast ferments the dough. In the oven there is a last burst of energy. As the internal temperature rises crust forms and wheat’s natural sugars caramelize, perfuming the kitchen. The scent of bread is a dream. An imagined home. Tap the bread to check for doneness--it will sound hollow. Pull the loaf from the pan. Cool.
     I step back from the hurts I grasp so tightly and see my mother too had picked up, settled, held and released. Differences stem from the flow of time. She sucked the marrow out of bones and liked dry ends from supermarket loaves. Thrift, self-depreciation, simple pleasures? I like a center slice. I eat the crust as an obligation, eating around the edges, spiraling inwards towards a toasted buttered heart.